Controlling people are people who are hurting deeply. They try to manipulate their environment to keep themselves safe. Some people don’t express all their emotions because they were taught it wasn’t safe.
Love them. Show them it’s ok to cry – and stay present with them. If it’s safe for them, just be. Ask them what they need. Give them time. They may not know just yet. Best advice: treat everyone like they are three years old.
When it is you who needs love
I regularly use this tool to help me through the darkest moments after my husband died. I still use it because grief doesn’t just go away.
The first step allows me to feel deeply – all the feels. You say, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
Repeat it often as needed – until you cry or feel the release. Imagine talking to a toddler. Treat yourself like you are. This is true self-care.
Then you say, “It’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok” on repeat until your shoulders relax more.
Finally, you say, “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.”
Followed by asking yourself what you need – again, like you are talking to a toddler – what is it you need? A soul hug? A good rest? A walk in nature?
I’ve used this several times for my husband’s death, for things that happened in my childhood, and for people that have hurt me.
This way, you don’t need an apology from them. You can do it. And get your own closure. It might take a few times and may feel funny initially, but as you practice, it is soul healing.
If you live in Virginia Beach, VA, and are looking for a therapist, I highly recommend Arielle Leeburg. She is amazing.
What tools do you use to sooth your heart or soul?